I Dream of Egypt (And Sexy Ancient Egyptians)

Sexy Ancient EgyptLast night I dreamt of Karnak again.  I know, it’s terribly du Maurier, isn’t it?  I’ve never even been to Egypt, much less stood between the grand pylons of the Middle Kingdom.  All the same, it calls to me the way it does to so many people.

It’s undeniably romantic, but beyond that, all those scantly clad, beautiful antique people with their gods and their insane architecture and gold accessories just do something to the imagination.  Which is why my next book, (tentatively titled) Another Man’s Queen takes place on the dunes of Ancient Thebes.  It involves a neglected bride and very sexy Egyptian prince (in various states of undress) and by and large seems to be a big favorite amongst my beta readers.

Just sayin’

Part of that is just because I love the setting so much that I really fell into describing it.  Not just those easy-access kilts and bare chested collar-capes the pharaohs wore – though it certainly doesn’t hurt.

My current fix for all things ancient Egypt is the Amelia Peabody series by Elizabeth Peters.  Now, this series doesn’t have any graphic sex scenes, but it certainly has a lot of tongue-in-cheek allusions to it.  And the male lead, Radcliffe Emerson, is pretty delicious as a character.  I can’t recommend it enough.


As far as actual romance and sex set in the ancient time period rather than on an archaeological dig, I haven’t had much luck.  There are tons of books devoted to Cleopatra and a few more on the fringes about Nefertiti, but when I’ve picked them up, they’ve done very little for me.  Certainly less than watching Oded Fehr gallop around the dunes in The Mummy or just straight up staring at Rami Malek in Night at the Museum.

And of course, Yul Brynner in The 10 Commandments.  I could go on.  The point is, it’s just an inherently sexy theme.  If you agree, keep an eye out in the first week of July for the first installment in my Ancient Egypt trilogy.  I can’t wait to hear what you think.

Why Princess Porn is my Jam

Princess SmutMaybe porn is an indelicate word for what I do.

Later this weekend, when Oathbound hits Kindle Unlimited, and all of you fine people go to grab a copy and gobble it up, you’ll see that I don’t really write smut without romance.  I can’t seem to manage it. I tried.

But why princesses? Well, let’s talk about that.

Oathbound follows a medieval European princess on her journey through kidnapping, voyeurism, and light bondage. Her hunk-of-man is (of course) a knight – big, tall, strong, and good-looking. For this first entry into my princess series, I wanted to embrace the most classic of princess lore.  It doesn’t get much more classic than princess/knight/tower.

Of course, her generous breast size and his lack of control when he sees her tied to that beam are my own artistic embellishments on the classic tropes.

the_blue_forest_by_scared_princess-d6egnz6My next story will focus on an married Grecian princess who’s been dragged to ancient Thebes, only to fall under the spell of the pharaoh’s son.

I’ve also got outlines in the works for a Renaissance princess chasing a unicorn, a gypsy princess out to learn a dangerous new spell, and a Celtic barbarian princess with vengeful plans for the captain of the Roman invaders.

“Princess” as a theme is insanely flexible. I like historical and fantasy settings, and this facilitates any enchanted forest or crumbling castle I could possibly come up with. What’s to stop me from pairing an alien princess with an astronaut, for example?

The real appeal here comes from what it means to seduce a princess.  The princess herself is the most desirable girl in her realm. She’s very powerful but holds no real responsibilities. And perhaps best of all, no matter who you are, she is off limits to you. Even a royal lady’s fiance shouldn’t be pushing her skirts up until the wedding night.

It’s romantic, it’s tempting, and it’s taboo. I can’t think of anything more appealing than that. Can you?

My Mom Reads My Smut … So what?

As we’re gearing up here to the release of my first set of stories, I am in a position where I need trusted feedback and proofing from those who have always read my stuff.  Sure, graphic medieval sex is a little less par for the course than when I wrote film reviews for print news or when I draft articles for work, but hey, people sure are more enthusiastic to read them.

So, why are we so weird about it?  Season 3 of Orange is the New Black features Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren penning bizarre space erotica by hand, and distributing it around the prison reading circle in rubber-band bound scrolls by the chapter.  Quite the opposite of begging people for feedback, she’s constantly accosted by fellow inmates who want her to hurry up and write more and demand insight into the resolution of her sticky, extra-terrestrial love triangles.

Time Hump Chronicles Quote Suzanne OITNB

Let’s be honest here – I’d kill for that level of fan devotion.

So, last week, while I was whining to my mom about cover art and keyword strings, the natural progression of “why don’t you just read the stories?” eventually came around.  So she did – prefacing the experience with “stop making it sound so damned taboo.”

But it is kind of taboo, isn’t it?  If I’d written some super subversive shit about cannibalism on Wall Street, complete with graphic secretary barbecues, no one would blink an eye at my mom giving me feedback.  But, instead, we’re talking about a busty medieval princess getting felt up by an erstwhile knight and suddenly it’s crossing a line.

A line I admittedly am becoming more and more impatient with.  I now have a circle of three close friends and my mother who are on board to read all the historical smut I can manufacture and I need to believe it’s not going to make our relationship(s) weird.

Anyway, this is me, acknowledging how stupid the whole squeamishness is, but also acknowledging that it’s feels a little strange when my mom calls me at 10pm on a Tuesday to tell me that a cunnilingus scene needs more “clarity on the pubic hair situation.”

So I’ll just be over here.  Clarifying the pubic hair.

Good Smut is Hard to Find

He rubbed her throat parts and she was like “oh yeah, do more of that,” and then the microwave timer went off.

So, let’s just get one thing out in the open.  I really love sex scenes.  Like, a lot.  But, also, most sex scenes are terrible.  There.  It’s been said.

Why terrible?  Well, there are a few reasons.  First you get the people who seemingly have no idea how the mechanics of sex work.  Then you get the foreplay foregoers (the worst) and the euphemism enthusiasts (for the love of God, please don’t compare intercourse to microwaving a hotdog.  There’s an associative smell.  I can’t read your work ever again).

So, when I stumble upon shockingly hot sex (or even just hot flirting) from the most unexpected of authors, I feel it is my civic duty to share that knowledge with the world at large.

Case in point, I was in the mood for gothic ghosts and post-war scenery when I picked up The Haunting of Maddy Clare by Simone St. James.  Three weeks later, I’d read her entire published catalog and had every sex scene bookmarked as a reference point on how to do it right.  That woman writes hot sex.  She should do it more often.

But that’s the problem, isn’t it?  Good smut is hard to find and great writers are often discouraged from being explicit.  There’s plenty of straight-up pencil porn out there that jumps right into humptown with no context or character development, and while that’s all good for a huge demographic, the only reason I’m reading instead of browsing pornhub is because I want context (and to avoid 40 minute blowjob sequences, genital slapping, and various baffling habits that are apparently sexy to someone, somewhere).

So, that’s why we have to share.  As I build my master list of “hot stuff you guys should totally check out,” I’ll devote a whole page to it, but consider this post a taster while I work around to actually getting a few stories up and running.